journal: fun

A History of Black Coffee (Via

Posted courtesy of the private blog of Jay Grider, features editor. Please note that this is an article of fiction. Original article can be found At this location

Commonly my 8am class will get out early, which leaves me with nothing to do until nine. This down time commonly leads to me meandering my way into the nearby Einstein Bros Bagels and getting a cup of black.

Let me be honest with everyone here. I drink my coffee black, not because I am lazy, but because I find a simple elegance in black coffee that cannot be found when you drowned something in whip cream and caramel syrup. Black coffee is something I feel has lost its appeal over the age of sugar sucking idiots that comprise my generation. There is a confusion amongst humans as to what being a connoisseur of coffee is.

Most people consider coffee to be graded upon the quality it was prepared, the quality of the extra things added to it, and the quality of the milk that they drown it with. Not to discredit this theory, but where is the actual quality of the bean involved in this process. Indeed the bean is forgotten.

Black coffee was a staple of the life of a man up until the mid 80′s. Along with the decline of the diner, the most common place that coffee was propagated to the public, black coffee also declined. The decline of the diner can be traced to the great cockroach rebellion of 1983 where in the cockroaches of New York and New Jersey signed a cease fire in the intents of disrupting the business of any restaurant where the facade was wider than the eating area was deep.

This of course was not the final nail in the coffin of black coffee served in small, off color, commonly beige mugs. No the rise of mainstream coffee houses contributed quite a bit to the death of black coffee. It was the launch of the Captain Ahab’s Coffee ARRRRR chain (Later to become as Starbucks) that ultimately began the downfall of black coffee across the nation.

Captain Ahab’s Coffee ARRRRR and its nautical themed caused an almost exponential effect upon the back of the great cockroach rebellion. The effect was almost catastrophic for diners and diner-esque style restaurants. After the downfall of the League of Diners in 1994 there was only one man left standing.

Waffle House, or Das Waffel Haus for my German Readers, became the final contender for sharing black coffee with the world. Obviously I am excluding conferences of any kind here as no business man wants some idiot with a beard trying to put caramel in his French roast. Indeed only the shape of a Waffle House saved it from the destruction. The ingenious shape of a square restaurant had been previously unexplored by entrepreneurs prior to this point in history. There had been a lot of geometrically correct restaurant shapes over the years, but only Waffle House had perfected the square restaurant shape by this point.

Despite the decline of black coffee there was still hope to be held. A shining star of pure black gold rose out of east Boston in 1998. Larry Bird’s Dunkin’ Donuts! (later shortened to Dunkin Donuts due to Larry not wanting Shaq to start a chicken restaurant called “Im’a Dunkin my Bird”) became the most popular chain of coffee houses ever started by an NBA player.

Bird’s dream of a world with easily accessible black coffee quickly looked like it was becoming a reality. A dark force from the west arose and quickly threatened the entire coffee world. Indeed it was the second coming of Ronald Reagan. But thats another story.

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Tracked: keylogger

Deep Thought: A History of Black Coffee (Via

Tracked on: keylogger at 30-Jan-13 11:15 AM

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