Several years ago, when I was younger and still living at home with my parents, our toaster broke. My father was dispatched to the store to procure a new one, and being a male he obviously purchased the only toaster available at the time with a microchip inside. Needless to say, this was a fantastic toaster that could perform virtually any action you could possibly desire upon a piece of bread- except, of course, actually toast it. And heaven forbid you had a pre-determined level of toastiness in mind, because if it did decide to toast that morning you’d better have been prepared to take what it was offering.

Now, I don’t intend to expound upon the ills of technology like a crotchety old man shooing children from his yard. People who know me are aware of my love of tech and anything that might be classified as a “gizmo” or “contraption.” When judgment day comes and the robots assume control of the planet, there’s a decent chance they will convene in my living room to punish me for enslaving their forefathers. I can only hope they will have mercy on me, but most likely not since they will be merciless. Also, their hands will be cold and pointy.*

Nor do I wish to argue against the combining of various and seemingly disparate items, a practice which has introduced us to such wonders as Madonna’s wardrobe and the beer helmet.** But while millions of Americans sit at home enjoying the happy accident of having gotten chocolate in their peanut butter and vice versa, there are some combinations that simply should not exist.

I have, for example, absolutely no desire to watch television on my refrigerator and neither should you. Sure, it’s convenient to the beer when you get thirsty during the big game, but that’s what women are for. Besides, your friend “Fat Billy” probably shouldn’t sit on the counter.

Nor do I want said refrigerator to order more groceries for me when it detects I’m running low. The last thing I need is a cached record somewhere indicating just how much bacon I am willing to purchase at one time. Don’t judge me, it’s delicious.

I am also frightened by the prospect of a toilet that sends medical reports back to my doctor every time I pee. I know I’m getting too much sodium in my diet, I don’t need you to tattle on me you shiny porcelain son of a bitch!

Multifunction PDAs are a good idea, except that they’re too small to comfortably perform half of their functions and too large for the other half. And while camera phones are nice, too, they tend in reality to produce an image quality that is unacceptable even for sightings of Bigfoot. That has certainly not stopped cellphone companies from trying to add TV functionality, however, with video so jerky it should carry a warning about inducing epileptic seizures. Also, beware of scorched retinas, as you will need to hold the screen directly against your eyeball in order to see anything.

Anyway, the point is that not every combination can produce the wondrous results of, say, DeLorean + flux capacitor, or the mochachino. As time, and technology, marches on we should probably keep that in mind.

*This is neither here nor there. I just thought I would mention it.

**Also, Chicken McNuggets.