Ah, another Apple event is upon us, and you know what that means...*

Office betting pools on what Lord Jobs, Master of the Universe and Controller of Our Destinies will unveil on September 12!

Now you may be uncertain as to what we can expect to see. That’s why I’m here. My crystal ball has been polished. I’ve been in touch with my sources. I will provide to you the most absurd lies most accurate information pertaining to Apple’s upcoming “Showtime” event. Deep Thought is, after all, the world’s premier source for utter BS tech news and rumors. So here we go!

Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs will wear his customary black mock turtleneck and jeans. The jury is still out, however, on whether Jobs will wear black or blue jeans. He is expected to walk on-stage and say, “Good morning! Welcome to San Francisco; it’s great to have you here. We have some incredible stuff to show you this morning, so let’s get started. First, a few updates...”

...and a cast of hundreds! (well, one other, anyway)

Phil Schiller will make a presentation. Deep Thought confirmed that Schiller will be wearing a thong. More specifically, a cream-colored see-through thong. As we reported before, Schiller wore a thong at Apple’s 30th birthday party and such taste in wardrobe was rumored in the past. In fact, Deep Thought has an exclusive photograph** of an informant displaying the thong that Schiller intends on wearing:

The rest of the staff is being tortured at the thought. Arden’s in the restroom vomiting as we speak. Pilky’s clawing out his eyeballs. Wimps.

I, however, am an intrepid reporter and can’t be stopped by anything. Hold on, I’m getting a phone call.

Hello?
...
What’s that? Lawsuit?
...
Oh. Okay. Bye.

Well, almost anything. Damn cease-and-desist warning. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes.

The goodies

The iTunes Movie Store will become a reality. The problem, however, is licensing. Apple has signed a deal with YouTube, and will be selling clips featured on YouTube for $9.99. iTMS customers will be able to purchase reenactments, remixes, and spoofs of everyone’s favorite web phenomenon videos, such as Star Wars Kid, Numa Numa, and Lazy Sunday. Jobs will herald it was a breakthrough in media distribution. To raise interest, Jobs will announce that they will offer free Snakes on a Plane spoofs all next week, and bundle Chuck Norris jokes with every video sold.

Remember when Jobs made a spoof podcast at MWSF and stated that “The next iPod will be huge”? He wasn’t lying. Apple will be issuing a replacement to the wildly successful iPod nano, called the iPod Grande. Little is known about this rumored product, aside from the fact that it’ll have a ten-inch screen and require one to use their entire palm on the clickwheel--apparently the touchwheel surface is far less sensitive than the current iPod line. Those close to Jobs note that he has told them that Apple tried small and that it was time to make something bigger.

A new iMac is indeed expected, however it’ll have a 23 foot screen, not 23 inches as was previously rumored. This iMac is designed with graphic designers in mind, who will now have no reason to complain about not having enough screen space. Apple will also announce a new product, dubbed “Creative Studio Pro,” which is a prefabricated structure with enough space for the 23-foot iMac. It attached beautifully to any house and matches any kind of architecture. Our sources describe it as some sort of giant cube. UPDATE: Despite today’s release of a 24” iMac, my sources still stand by the plans for a 23-foot iMac.

And there will indeed be one more thing, and it will indeed be a device which will allow users to stream media from their computers, sort of. Dubbed “Airport Express Extreme to the Max!,” it consists of some guy who will watch video on your computer, then reenact it, post the video of the reenactment on YouTube, and then purchase it from iTMS for $9.99. You can then stream the purchased reenactments of your original videos from your computer. Jobs is very enthusiastic about this device.

So there. With the exception of the iMac mixup, our friends at AppleInsider were right. Mostly. Sort of. Way to go, guys!

*More stupid rumor parodies like this article.

**Thanks to Rosyna for the pic