Toast: a piece of bread, cooked in a metal box by some heated coils. Smoldered toast, the toast thats been left in your metal box too long. I was looking at my older articles here on the site and discussing them with Nick when he gave me the above analogy. I had noted that my wit inside of my ramblings and rantings had been dried up, and he proclaimed it to be smoldered like toast left in a toaster too long. So here is my response, a response in the tradition and style of my article about EOS (Email Overwrite Syndrome).

The smoldering effect is the drying of a wit, the poisoning of a well, the pissing on a hobo fire. It’s where one has been told no so much they completely remove all wit and slightly risky phrases and wordings from their writings. For me, I say: no more. No longer will I run around like a washed up 80’s hair band wishing that my makeup actually came off and that my voice was two octaves lower. No longer will I sit around deleting sentence after sentence and just type more BS than Al Gore managed to muster with his crap about global warming. I present you with someone who has been a long time wishing that he could overcome an obstacle so great yet so invisible (like the blaster worm for Windows). I am done suffering at the hands of The Smoldering Effect.

How can one cure oneself of The Smoldering Effect? This is a hard question indeed, however I have a solution. Do nothing; read all of your old writings where you were witty, wild, and carefree. Read them until your wit has absorbed back into your skin like sweat into gym socks. This may be a technology website, but I am organic, and organic I shall remain until the robots watch us all die and then discover that we can only be brought back to life for one day. Then for that one day I will be organic, then I will die.

On with the curing, I’m sure that I am not the only web journalist that has suffered from TSE. Just as there has never been just one person to get a disease, other than the dude who had the baby alien come out of his stomach in Alien, but I don’t think that counts. I think that really, all you need to do is quit being afraid of offending people. Political correctness, if you will, is raping this country of its wit and humor. Who really gives a crap if some 35 year old who still lives in his mom’s basement and owns the town’s comic book store is mad, I know I don’t.

It is a rough world out there, full of people who get offended by things that they don’t understand, which is my polite way of saying you’re an idiot if you get offended. Yes, an idiot: you’re insolent, irresponsible, and ignorant for being offended. Why? Because you have more brains than to just sit there and be mad, you have enough brains to create a blogger account and start a blog ranting about how bad I SUCK. Thats right, and if you love me, then I think you might be disillusioned, because I have pretty much offended the entire world except Norton Anti-Virus here, but I figured they’re still getting crap from me.