As everyone reading this surely knows by now, Steve Jobs strode onto the stage at Macworld ‘07 and announced a product he proclaimed would change the world.  It’s hyperbole, sure, but if Jobs has his way it won’t be too far from the truth.  Most everyone who heard the announcement - from keynote attendees to reporters to Internet tech fans - was intrigued and impressed to at least some degree by what was presented.  Many of them rushed online to their favorite message board to discuss what they’d seen, where of course they encountered that most charming of Internet personalities, somebody I like to call Guy Who Was Not Impressed.  I’m certain you’ve met, probably on more than one occasion.

You see, no matter what products are announced at any given Stevenote, there are always a group of people who find no use whatsoever for any of them.  They believe that their needs are the only ones that matter.  They act like these new products will be foisted upon them, as though perhaps Steve Jobs will break into their homes and Superglue iPhones to their hands.¹ “I don’t care about all that other stuff,” they say, “I just want to use my phone to make phone calls.” Apparently that’s all any of us should ever want as well, not to mention how the iPhone will make all other cellular devices vanish immediately from existence.  I often wonder why these people bother owning computers when they could just write stuff down on a pad of paper or chisel it into a rock, but I guess it’s so that they can go online and annoy large groups of people at once.  I mean, sure, you can carve your nonsensical diatribe into the side of a tree, but fewer people will probably read it there.

Anyway, this phenomenon made me wonder how these people might have reacted to some of history’s other major products.  The following are some of my best guesses, preserved exactly as they might have appeared had the Internet existed before Al Gore’s breakthrough research.

The Macintosh

I don’t get it.  Seriously, anyone who can’t remember command line inputs shouldn’t be allowed to use a computer anyway.
Bob_3624

It talks?  Great.  Like I can’t get enough of that from my wife already.  Ba dum bum, hey!
BigBoi74

So let me get this straight:  You move the little box around on you’re desk and use it to opint at stuff on your screen with an arrow?  Yeah, that’ll catch on.  LOL!!!1!
DOS4EVA

The Automobile

What’s the rush, man?  If I get there sooner, they’re just going to put me to work.  I’ll stick with my camel, thanks.
CmLvr

Wow, I love the color selection.  Black or… black.  At least I can get a horse in like four different colors.  And it helps fertilize my garden.  Let’s see your car do that.
GalloppingGarrison

If your car breaks down on Hoth, can you slice it open and stick your friend inside for warmth?  Didn’t think so.
HanSolo18

The Watch

I already have a sun dial in my yard, so I guess I just don’t see what this would possibly do for me.  Not impressed.
TechNOh8r

I can’t say that I’ve ever felt the need to strap a clock onto my arm, that’s for sure.  If I really need to know what time it is, I can just go in to town and head over to the general store.  Seems pretty simple to me.
OldManJohnson

The Grapefruit

First of all, the damn thing shoots liquid at you whenever you try to eat it.  Secondly, you have to bury it in sugar to even make it edible.  What’s the point?²

PruneLady

The Fire

Now Grog make me cook dead things he bring home.  Just what me need, one more thing to do.  Already not have time for self.  Fire stupid.
GrogWife23

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!  Aaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!  Why fire so hot?  Why no one tell me?  Get bandage!
Anonymous

Fire Baaaaaaaad!
Frankenstein’s Monster

The Opposable Thumb

I dunno, I just knock stuff over and then pick it up with my teeth.  This seems like overkill.  I’d rather have another set of feet, if you ask me.
JonnyD81

The Woman

Gee, thanks.  So now I’m missing a rib and instead I get a burgeoning credit card balance every time we pass a shoe store.  (By the way, why are there so freaking many of those?  There’s only two of us, and we don’t even wear clothes.) I’m guessing there’s a reason you did this while I was sleeping.
AdamRulez

¹Steve, if you’re reading, I’m okay with this plan.  Feel free to include me on your list.↩

²Actually, this one’s a pretty good argument.  Never mind.↩